he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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