Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
