I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
