i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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