We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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