That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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