Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
