i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
