Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
