you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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