By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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