i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
