so explain again why im purple
no
I skipped work to stalk him.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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