Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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