So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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