i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
