I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
