I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
