She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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