When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
