I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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