I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
