Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
