we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
