1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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