I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
