I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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