Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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