When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
