You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
