I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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