do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
