my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
