matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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