those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
