I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
