If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
