this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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