He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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