I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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