Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize