cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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