Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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