i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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