were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
