i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
