the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
