Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
