It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
