I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Green mimosas i think yes
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
