i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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