if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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