Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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