I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
