I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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