so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
