why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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