Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
