If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
