I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
