I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
