Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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