he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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