If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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