Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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