my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
